They made you furious with their political comments. You unfriended and blocked them on Facebook, and now the prospect of asking them to pass you the gravy at the dinner table has you on edge. A little thought beforehand on how to proactively manage these situations can go a long way. Here are 5 wellness tips you can use to stay sane while with your politically divided family this holiday season.
By their nature, holiday gatherings with relatives are stressful events for many of you who may not feel especially close to or enjoy the company of your families. After all, time with relatives can kick up old, unresolved rivalries that center around jealousy, resentment, and all sorts of other unpleasant emotions; and that’s in historically unremarkable years. 2016 is anything but; and as the election has highlighted, this is a nation in which values and beliefs sharply divide people, some of whom you’ll be seeing in the days and weeks to come. Indeed, the holiday turkeys are coming home to roost.
It’s important to note that there are legitimate reasons to avoid family. I contend that no survivor of family violence is required to break bread with her or his perpetrator. Nor do I believe that any person has to spend time in a demoralizing, degrading, or humiliating environment. If for example, based on recent history, you have strong evidence that your family will disparage your partner who’s from another race or religion, or that you as an LGBT individual will hear homo-hating or trans-shaming comments such that you will leave there with your own mental health significantly disrupted, please rethink this obligation. Psychological and emotional safety eclipses the need to make your grandmother happy by placing yourself in harm’s way.
For everyone else, here are 5 tips for surviving and perhaps learning to enjoy time with your families, no matter how politically divided you may be:
1. Find a quality you admire or even love in your politically opposite family member(s). Sure, their political opinions may seem to highlight their arrogance, ignorance, or whatever other qualities you ascribe to them. Each person has more to them though, and you may in fact have fond childhood memories of how generous, protective, kind, or however else the person’s been to you. Go deep. Maybe the person fought in a war, worked a labor-intensive factory job, or overcame a really difficult obstacle. Giving yourself time to reflect on these qualities about the person builds dimension in your understanding of her or his character.
Even as you take the time to identify qualities you admire,
2. Don’t make their political decisions about you. It’s hard not to do this with politics. For most of us, the personal has become so very political; and we assume that a vote for the other candidate is a vote against and even an attack on us. If the person has stated this to be the case, you have a right to avoid interaction with her or him. Contrary to what your choice of media might tell you though, I submit that most voters didn’t select a particular candidate with hate in their hearts. As with many of you, fear was probably the prevalent feeling that motivated their vote. Fear is a deep-seated emotion that’s hard to explain to someone who fears something different; and sadly, it’s an easily manipulated emotion.
To the extent that you can recognize fear as something you’ve both experienced,
3. Ask them what it is they value that led to their voting choice. Admittedly, this is a difficult one, and I only recommend it if you’re truly open to understanding the other person and taking the dialogue beyond the sound bites that strictly criticize each other’s candidate. If you’re truly open and willing to engage from a position of listening first before expecting to be heard, you may find that your ability to dialogue transforms something within both of you. You won’t walk away with different politics, but you may in fact find that your political Other is not so very different from you in wanting a safer, surer world; whatever that vision may be.
Even with the intentions of openness, you may still find yourself triggered in a situation that occurs. To prepare for these instances,
4. Have a plan to recenter yourself in moments of stress. Maybe they make the offhand remark, or maybe they’re goading you out of humor. Family members often push each other’s buttons, after all. Don’t let anger ruin your day. If you find yourself becoming frustrated, take three deep breaths before you respond. You may be taking a lot of deep breath trios, in fact; but doing so will have a calming effect that will help you make it through the day. It may also allow you to return to the previous tips so that you can create a less stressful, even interesting and engaging day.
Even if these steps are a struggle,
5. Keep in mind that the time you have today is not guaranteed for tomorrow. You may be extremely angry in the moment and tell yourself you don’t care if you ever see these people again. You may mean that to some degree right now; but if something happened and your last words or deeds were hostile, would you really want that sitting with you for the rest of your life? Put another way, each year you are one step closer to the days when you’ll never see members of your family again. Assuming that the Trump presidency isn’t the cataclysm that either you or your relative(s) foresee, what seems important today will probably be much less so down the road.
Cherish the moment you have, learn about your family members and their histories. In doing so, you actively engage in transforming the understanding you have that’s limited by their 2016 vote and come to recognize the person’s context, her or his journey, and most importantly, how very human the individual is.
In doing so, you’ll learn a great deal more about yourself.
